Pastor Plek's Podcast
Pastor Plek's Podcast
Escaping a Religious Cult
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376: A woman's powerful journey from religious extremism to authentic faith reveals the stark difference between controlling religion and true Christianity. Growing up in the Fraternal Society of St. Peter meant living under strict rules, complete isolation, and predetermined life paths. At 12 years old, she was told her only options were marriage or becoming a nun. The breaking point came when her parents blamed her for a sexual assault and prioritized their image over her safety. After carefully planning her escape, she rebuilt her life through physical distance, healthy relationships, and reconnecting with cut-off family members.
Pastor Plek ends this episode with a bold call to follow Jesus.
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Welcome back to Pastor Plex Podcast. I'm your host, Pastor Plex. And then with me in studio is none other than Caolinn. I didn't even get your last name.
Caolinn:Marie.
Pastor Plek:Marie. Caolinn Marie. All right. I love it. Caolinn Marie. I'm so glad you're here. I'm happy to be. And you may have you may know all of our listening, watching audience out there, that we had a guest, I guess it would be last podcast where we met with Manny Alonzo, and this is his um co-working partner girlfriend. Is that okay? Yeah, that's a good time. Okay, yeah, sorry. But you are both those things, so it works out.
Caolinn:That is correct, yes.
Pastor Plek:Okay, so I was like, shoot, I didn't want to like throw you under the bus if you like weren't the girlfriend, that would have been really weird. Anyway, okay, so all right. So uh Caitlin, I I'm excited to hear, like, I don't know very many people, and this might be just I'm sheltered, uh, who have been in a cult, and I wanted to hear like from you and what happened and all the things. So tell the story that you have been waiting your whole life to tell.
Caolinn:Yeah. Well, I think it's funny that you say you're sheltered when I feel like I was the one who was sheltered. Never seen a SpongeBob episode. Yeah. You know, My Little Ponies is demonic, that kind of sheltered. But I grew up in a Catholic household.
Pastor Plek:Yeah.
Caolinn:Most people see Catholic as, you know.
Pastor Plek:Kind of normal.
Caolinn:Right. They they they associate it, yeah, it's normal. Um, I met, I was, I was speaking to our mutual friend Sam, and he was saying, like, oh, I associate it with like, you know, Mexican families and these kind of things, like wholesome good values. Yeah. I don't associate it with anything bad. My experience was very different than that. So my type of Catholic that I grew up with is FSSP, Fraternal Society of St. Peter. And within that church group, it's traditional Latin mass, it's women cover their heads, you wear skirts that are six inches below the knee, nothing more than two fingers below your collarbone, all the rules, you know, covering the heads. And it's your life is kind of planned out for you from day one.
Pastor Plek:What do you mean by that?
Caolinn:I'll give you a perfect example. One day I was in after church, I was outside, and uh the man who raised me, I'm standing with him, and he is I'm 12 just for at the time. Yeah, 12. I was a little kid. And he's looking at this group of similar aged boys who, as young boys do, being crazy, doing theirs and yeah, doing cartwheels and falls. Yeah, exactly. And he's looking at him and he he tells me, you know, Caitlin, I would be okay with you marrying any of these men here. Men is a strong term.
Pastor Plek:Well, they're 12, right?
Caolinn:It's a big thing to think about at that time too, exactly. So your life is kind of planned out. I was taught growing up you have two options. You can get married, become a wife and a mother, or you can join a convent and become a nun. Those are your options. That's it.
Pastor Plek:Okay, so no, because you know, a dad, you know, as a, you know, you have your kids, you're like, it could have been like he was, you know, trying to every girl wants to get married one day. And he and he and it what he wasn't just being sweet and being like, hey, Caitlin, like, you know, the the world's your oyster. Which one of these guys, and being kind of fun about it. You it was really like it was very serious.
Caolinn:It was very serious, it was very serious. And I it continued into too young still, but older ages of it's to all of us, the all the girls. So uh it my family's mainly girls, the kids are mainly girls, and so all the girls, it's you know, it's wife and mother or none, like I was saying. So you get married, ASAP, and those babies start coming. That's your jaw. That is your sole purpose in this world.
Pastor Plek:Now, is anybody there sort of like thrilled about that?
Caolinn:When you're little, you know, when you're maybe like just a little kid looking around.
Pastor Plek:What you're saying, like, I mean, it's so counter-cultural. It's like in some ways, it's like, man, I didn't get married till I was 34. Like, I was behind the curve. I'm like, man, I wish I would have done that younger. But like, uh, like there's a party mate that goes, man, that'd be kind of smart or at least better. But for you, it was like, this is terrifying.
Caolinn:Well, because you got to think about it in the sense of I didn't grow up like the majority of American kids grow up. So I was homeschooled, I lived in a house in the middle of nowhere.
Pastor Plek:There's you gotta explain that because it's hard to conceive of a house in the middle of nowhere.
Caolinn:So uh it's a log cabin. You it gets you know, it's very funny, but it's a log cabin.
Pastor Plek:Like when I again, when I think of log cabins, I think of like Lincoln logs. Do you know what those are? All right, so look, I don't I don't I sound sad to say that. Do you know what that is? Uh so it looks like a log cabin. Can you tell me like what state or what it's in Texas, yeah.
Caolinn:It's in Texas.
Pastor Plek:Oh, okay. So so you didn't have like air conditioning?
Caolinn:We did have air conditioning. It's Texas. You have to have air conditioning. I was like, you have to have air conditioning.
Pastor Plek:Oh, I think log cabin, I think pretty rustic.
Caolinn:It was, but it modern, it was modern. Like we had running water. We did have a well, but running water from the well, electric, or I assumed it was electric.
Pastor Plek:And AC You didn't have to take a bucket to the well or anything.
Caolinn:No.
Pastor Plek:Okay.
Caolinn:No, thankfully not. No, it was still modern. Uh I mean at this stage in my life, I have terrible memories of that place. But if I were to go there on vacation, I would think, wow, this is a beautiful house in the middle of the woods in Texas. But it was the middle of nowhere. I was homeschooled and I was not socialized. I know a lot of kids now. I've meet a lot of kids that are homeschooled.
Pastor Plek:Yeah. And they do a pretty good job of, well, at least they're trying to get their kids socialized.
Caolinn:Right.
Pastor Plek:And if they don't, the kids end up a little odd.
Caolinn:That's that's definitely true. Because when you're so young, having those, you know, human interactions is so important. But I see homeschool kids now in their normal, well-functioning associated.
Pastor Plek:I don't know if you know much about the public school system, which my kids are in. Uh, and it's it's a little challenging.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:It's the complete opposite of everything you're saying, and I grew up in as well. But it wasn't, it's like you've got like trans stuff, gay stuff, like it's just in your face all the time. Like, we're celebrating gay pride, whatever. And so, like, so what you're saying, it's it's good, so good to hear your perspective because like there's some people who are like, we need to get rid of the schools, and they're like, let's go to homeschool and put everybody on a farm, like all the stuff you're that you lived out. Like now, I don't know if they'll actually do it, but they kind of like say it wistfully of like, I wish I could be at a different place where we didn't have to deal with the whatever, whatever. So, but from your perspective, it was like insane insanity.
Caolinn:It's it's very, very different because the wokism and all of that agenda that's getting shoved down people's throats is a big problem now. And homeschooling is a good option because of all of that in the world right now. I was homeschooled for very different reasons. I if you asked, yeah, oh, you're homeschooled because of like you don't want it in the woke coat, woke, woke culture. Right. But the real reason is because the people in charge get to control the entire narrative. We control what you learn, we control what you don't learn, and most importantly, we control your time 24-7. I had no activities outside of my household for the majority of my life. If I did have an activity, like maybe I don't know, there was a period where I did horseback riding for a little while. It was two or three weeks, and then it's done because it's too much worldly interaction.
Pastor Plek:Like, did you have mom and dad at the log cabin with you?
Caolinn:Yes. I had both parents.
Pastor Plek:Okay. And so um so I'm just trying to wrap my head around all this. So you're raised up. Do you do you feel like not love? Like, give me like the how did you I guess how do you know if you're all if that's all you know, how do you know it's weird?
Caolinn:How do you know it's wrong?
Pastor Plek:Does that make sense?
Caolinn:It definitely does. I didn't know for a while. It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong because I didn't get it that it was wrong because I didn't know anything else, and I didn't have enough friends in the outside world to tell me this is weird. For example, those people would say, You're lucky that you have a doctor's appointment in two days. Otherwise, I would beat the crap out of you.
Pastor Plek:Okay, so now that's good. Okay, so that's helpful. So, like you're so it's very harsh discipline.
Caolinn:Definitely.
Pastor Plek:Um, was there love in the home?
Caolinn:In my memory, it's very hard to remember times of pure love. Do I have memories where I was like, oh, that was nice of so-and-so to do Christmas Thanksgiving? Right, right. But those moments were fleeting and very superficial.
Pastor Plek:So there wasn't like you're cuddling with your dad, and then like you're, you know, everyone's sitting on the couch watching TV and just like, you know, you're playing with your sister's hair or something. I don't know. I'm just like, you know what I'm saying? Like there's moments where I I think back, like very I don't know, with my with my sons, I'm I'm constantly having them all over me as we're we're watching a thing or we're watching football or we're doing life. And but there is times of discipline. So for you, it was just like it felt like very harsh.
Caolinn:Is that the kind of the it was a very harsh energy in general within the house? And I mean, there were moments, but for me, in at least in my memory, it was in the very early years of my life where they were normal people.
Pastor Plek:And I maybe it's you get progressively like, I don't know, harsher over time.
Caolinn:I believe so. And it may just have just been my awareness coming around that they had always been this way, but my awareness just started picking up of why is my brother getting hit with there's uh a stick we use in martial arts, it's a martial art, Filipino martial art called Kali. It's um it's made of bamboo, it's yeah, it's a heavy stick. Similar to that, but thicker and a little bit heavier. But why is he getting hit with that? Why is he getting disciplined in these different ways?
Pastor Plek:It's just so wait, martial arts was like a part of your upbringing of the It was it was a big thing.
Caolinn:Everyone in my like my whole background was martial arts. I have uncles who are Olympic wrestlers.
Pastor Plek:A lot of so wait, so I know this. I'm I'm just trying to get my head around this. Yeah. So were your parents raised in a cult, or did they just decide to join the this is does that make sense? Like, how do they get there?
Caolinn:Yeah. So I I think Manny was using the words cult in maybe the way that people don't traditionally use them.
Pastor Plek:Okay.
Caolinn:So in in his mind, or the way he was explaining it, is it's just like one person who has deemed himself the the chosen one, the guru or whatever. Yeah, the chosen one, the guru, and he's in charge of everything. Right. He runs everything.
Pastor Plek:Yeah.
Caolinn:Right. So that would be the person in charge of my family. Right. Right. So that's what his mind is in a cult. It wasn't like, you know, the the It wasn't like a compound.
Pastor Plek:No, not it was like a fraternal, what's it called again?
Caolinn:The fraternal society of St. Peter. Yeah.
Pastor Plek:Okay. And so you guys, I mean, I know like to be Catholic, you kind of have to have some connection to the Pope. Like, what was your how does that work? Because like, can you just start up your own little thing?
Caolinn:No, so the po the this was the philosophy. Well, let me explain the the Catholic mindset and then what the philosophy that I taught was. So, yes, the Pope is vicar of Christ, Jesus Christ, exactly. So he's Christ's hands on the earth.
Pastor Plek:Representative on the earth.
Caolinn:Right, exactly. Um, when I want to say it was Benedict the 16th, when he was, I want to say in office, but when he was Pope, it was cool.
Pastor Plek:Yeah, he was great.
Caolinn:Yeah, everyone was cool with him. When Francis became Pope, uh, it was very common for this is gonna sound very terrible. Everybody prayed for him to die. That is in in your fraternal in this fraternal society and within my own home, we get up every morning, our morning prayers, we sing all of our things, and please end the life of Pope Francis and his life because he was pro things that they didn't support.
Speaker:Wow.
Caolinn:Basically, yeah, yeah. So that was the situation with the Pope. Um and then he died when last year?
Pastor Plek:Yeah.
Caolinn:Or early this year. Something like that. Yeah, that was their prayers are answered. I mean, and and it's funny. I I try really hard not to.
Pastor Plek:Dark dark humor. Yeah.
Caolinn:Yeah. I really I try not to stalk or like look up any of these things connected to the fraternal society of St. Peter or anything like that, just because it's not healthy. Yeah, it's not healthy. Once in a while I do, and I see, you know, these people on these forums talking about it's okay to pray for the death of the Pope. This saint and that saint and this philosopher said it's okay because he's not supporting, he's not representing Catholicism in the way it's meant to be represented.
Pastor Plek:Okay, that's just odd. Okay. So how did your uh, I guess, parental units uh discover this fraternal society of St. Peter?
Caolinn:They uh hmm. That's a really good question. Um I started off the first church I ever went to was called an Angelican Youth Church. So they were Anglicans that became Catholic. And at some point they decided that this wasn't serious or traditional enough. So we switched churches to this it'sy bitsy room. It was definitely let's say you see that like the first row of chairs, like small, yeah, really small. That one actually did not have AC in it, and it was on a farm, and there were goats outside. And like cows, it's fun after church if you get to go outside and play with the goats.
Pastor Plek:Did you get to ride the goats?
Caolinn:I did not. They were two little goats. Oh, okay. They were little miniature goats. Um, the parish priest, very odd person. I mean, I don't think he's a good person, but he was always killing the animals constantly and talking about it. It was a very odd situation. He would just kill animals all the time. Um, but that's where we switched over to, and it was, like I said, traditional Latin mass. So everything's in Latin.
Pastor Plek:Do you know Latin now?
Caolinn:I used to be very good at it. I don't remember a lot of it now, but I can say prayers and read math type things in Latin.
Pastor Plek:So yeah. Okay. So tell me then, like, all right, yeah, keep going. So, like you're so you're you're growing up in this. At some point, you're like, I'm out.
Caolinn:Right. So there were two major breaking points for me. The first one was earlier in my life, young teenage years. And the start of this story is confusing because the whole situation was confusing. But there was a two-year period, roughly, period of my life where this house that I'm telling you about, the cabin in the woods, was haunted.
Pastor Plek:Okay. This is good. All right. Haunted.
Caolinn:Haunted.
Pastor Plek:When you say haunted, I think ghosts and like creepy things.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:All right.
Caolinn:So that the story that I was fed.
Pastor Plek:Like how old were you when this is the haunted house?
Caolinn:Uh like I said, it was over a period of years. I was a young teenager.
Pastor Plek:Okay, young teenager. Okay.
Caolinn:Young teenager.
Pastor Plek:So this isn't like you're a little kid. This is like 13 or something.
Caolinn:There's a rat.
Pastor Plek:Okay, got it.
Caolinn:Old enough to know that there's a rat. Allegedly, it started when my parental unit was doing some kind of consecration to Mary. And allegedly, during this time, demons started coming into her bedroom at night and like trying to scare her. That was the story. And it just progressively got a lot worse.
Pastor Plek:Where it was when we say demons, like, could you hear the demons, see the demons, feel the demons? Give me how like the demons me? Yeah.
Caolinn:No.
Pastor Plek:Okay. But her.
Caolinn:Her.
Pastor Plek:Yeah. The parental unit.
Caolinn:Yes.
Pastor Plek:Got it.
Caolinn:She was seeing it, hearing it. They were coming for her.
Pastor Plek:Got it. Oh, got it.
Caolinn:Yeah. They were coming for her because she was trying to do this consecration to Mary.
Pastor Plek:Got it.
Caolinn:And the oldest started hearing and seeing things as well. More than anybody else. And the only three there were only three people in the family that ever claimed to hear or see things or have experiences. And that was the two parentals and then the oldest in the family.
Pastor Plek:Okay.
Caolinn:They're the ones that heard and saw everything.
Pastor Plek:Old is a boy or oldest is a girl.
Caolinn:She's a female. Yeah. So it's girls and then a boy and a girl and a boy. Yeah. And that's it. So yes. And it like I said, it just started as people saying things that go bump in the m night. And it just progressively kept getting worse over a series of months to the point where we shared a room and my the oldest would wake up screaming in the middle of the night that something is trying to grab her. There's something in the corner. And it's pretty terrifying to be woken up by screams in the middle of the night, and someone is saying, There's a demon right there. And he, she is doing XYZ.
Pastor Plek:And yeah, it's so you couldn't see it, but you heard her screaming about it.
Caolinn:No. And so we it was the weirdest time of my life. We were given uh spray bottles filled with holy water, and that's like your weapon.
Pastor Plek:Okay.
Caolinn:So when they come, you just like did it work? Sometimes. Sometimes it didn't. Sometimes they would laugh and sometimes they would go away. Uh there was one day where I was for the most part babysitting at home. Yeah, okay.
Pastor Plek:And this is so crazy. Go ahead.
Caolinn:And the oldest was upstairs. I was just kind of always the responsible one. Yeah. Took care of the kids. She was upstairs and she starts screaming, screaming, screaming. And I'm assuming I know what's going on. So I grab our spray bottle and we run upstairs and she's screaming, pointing at the closet, saying that he's standing right there. So I sprayed him with water and it wasn't working. So her solution was okay, we're all gonna leave. And it was probably it was cold out. It was like 40, 50 degrees and raining. So we just left. We just went out. Everybody put it in the car and outside. No, none of us could drive. None of us could drive. We're all below driving age. So we all just we left and we were just out on the road in the middle of the country for Hold on. Where were the parental units? I don't know where they were. They were not there. They were not there because I remember after an hour or so of just like hanging out on the road, um, they came by in the car and we're just like, What are you guys doing? Because we didn't have phones, phones were not allowed. We had a landline at the house, but no phones, no driver's licenses, no social media, limited internet. So we didn't really have a way to contact them and tell them like there's demons in the house scaring everybody.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Caolinn:Um, and it would just be series like that, constantly. Everything was a demon. Everything that ever happened was a demon. Lights flicker, it's a demon. Kids are arguing, you have spirits clinging to your shoulder, and we have to pray them away. Everything that ever happens that was bad or they didn't like it, it's a demon trying to control you. And they began this story. Uh are you familiar with the alleged third person who is in the Garden of Eden?
Pastor Plek:Have you ever heard of that? Please enlighten me.
Caolinn:So allegedly, I don't know where they saw this because it's not in the Bible, it's not in Genesis, but I'm fat.
Pastor Plek:I can't wait to hear.
Caolinn:There was a third person in the Garden of Eden, and she was a redheaded woman who her job, she was a demon who was put in the Garden of Eden to tempt Adam when Eve wasn't around before the apple.
Pastor Plek:Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait. So there's a story somewhere out there, yeah that the that the Garden of Eden had a redheaded temptress for Adam so he could cheat on Eve.
Caolinn:Yes.
Pastor Plek:Does he do it?
Caolinn:In the story, I don't think he does. I don't remember a hundred percent what the actual teacher is.
Pastor Plek:Is this a fraternal society of St. Peter thing, or is this like a other thing?
Caolinn:It must be because I didn't hear of this woman until we started going to that church. I mean, it could have just been uh my family thing, it could have just been what they started with, to be honest. Um, but her job was to make kids hate their parents and to turn kids gay. That was her job.
Pastor Plek:Okay, yeah. Hey.
Caolinn:Yeah. So that was the person or the the number one demon who was trying to infiltrate the family. And so we would just get stories all the time of creepy things. Um we would be out working, doing whatever, and the male parental unit would get a phone call and be agitated because of whatever was happening during the call, and he would hang up and then he told me, Your sister is at home freaking out because she saw a naked smoking child dancing up the stairs. So it's stuff like that. You know, it so it started with door slamming, creaking, flickering lights, and then it just got escalated to just got insane. Yeah.
Pastor Plek:Is there any possibility that it was actually demonic? Or is there like this was just a figment of like where do you go with this? Because like I mean, I've heard of demonic stuff in Africa, I've seen some demonic stuff. So I I don't discount the demonic, but like at some point you go, Am I that special that demons are attacking our particular family?
Caolinn:Uh that was what they said. We are so holy that the demons are coming for us. It's because and it's not it's not all of you, it's not the kids because you guys are have demons clinging to you. It's your father. The male of the family is so holy because he is getting attacked by these demons, and he they're attacking the family because he is holy. And my skepticism comes from the fact that he was the one who controlled it. He controlled the stories, he controlled when it stopped. When he would pray, demons would be fine, but they would be quiet. When anyone else would pray, it wouldn't work. He was the one who was the demon slayer. He uh the things that he did would work, the things that other people would do didn't work. Even our parish priest who came to the house numerous times doing um but he did mass inside the house, he would do blessings, he did minor exorcisms, he did minor exorcisms on the people who were seeing things, and none of it worked, but when your dad did it, when he did it, it would work. When he prayed, it would be okay.
Pastor Plek:All right, so I got something.
Caolinn:Okay.
Pastor Plek:Lilith, does that make any sense? Is that who it is? Yeah, okay. Lilith is in Jewish folklore that she was the first wife of Adam who didn't submit to him and she left, and then she came back as a demon and then tempted Eve to spite Adam.
Caolinn:Gotcha. Okay, so that's the full story. I'll uh the the main part I remember is the red-headed demon who turns people lesbian and makes kids hate their parents.
Pastor Plek:Oh, wow.
Caolinn:That was the long and short of it.
Pastor Plek:Did anybody turn lesbian in your uh family? Okay.
Caolinn:The the lesbian part happened when the sister right above me, she went no contact and came out as lesbian. And that's when Lilith starts turning kids lesbian.
Speaker 3:Oh.
Caolinn:So before that, she makes kids hate their parents, she causes dissent in the home, she does all this.
Pastor Plek:Oh, she wasn't a gay, she didn't turn anyone gay until after someone.
Caolinn:You know, yeah. Once someone became lesbian, that's when Lilith makes people lesbian. That's when that happened.
Pastor Plek:Okay, all right, all right. Wow. So you live in this wacky place with uh wacky parental units.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:And how and you somehow are at least sort of sane. Um how do you like you're doing a lot of ninja stuff though?
Caolinn:Right.
Pastor Plek:You're you're training.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:And you like that.
Caolinn:Of course.
Pastor Plek:Yes, love it. Um and then how do you escape?
Caolinn:That's a really it's a it's it's a good story. Um and it's for me, okay. So that was my number one factor that broke was like, okay, there's a problem in this house. The second part of it is really important to what how I left.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Caolinn:Um I was working at a jiu-jitsu school.
Pastor Plek:Yep.
Caolinn:And like a jujitsu.
Pastor Plek:So when you get to the jujitsu school, is that like somehow in town? How did you get to said jujitsu school?
Caolinn:We would drive. Okay.
Pastor Plek:It was so at some point you got a car?
Caolinn:It was no, that's with all of us. So it's an hour and a half away. Like I said, martial arts was a really big thing in there.
Pastor Plek:So the whole family goes to do martial arts at this thing an hour and a half away.
Caolinn:Right. Right. With traffic, probably an hour without. But it we trek there, you know? And they worked in Houston. So it was, you know, it worked out. But when I'm at this place where I was working at this point, I've been training an hour, I was working there. Um, one of my co-workers, he uh one day I was drinking water, bending over, and it this was following a series of very odd questions to be asking me for reference. I was still a young teenager, he was 30. And he asked me lots of weird questions. Why don't I have a phone? Can I buy you a phone secretly? Do you want kids? Let me be your friend, I'll protect you, I'll take care of you. Those kind of comments. And so following these, uh, one day I bent over at the water fountain to drink water, and he grabs my butt. I push him off. And did you fight him? No, it was during a class. Oh but we were in kind of a secluded group, unfortunately, because of uh there were like muay thai bags hanging up and so it blocks cameras and stuff. So I shove him off and I just stared at him because I was just kind of whacked out of what just happened. I'm just staring at him and he goes, What? And I don't break eye contact until he goes, sorry, and he walks off. So later on during that day, he asked me to train with him. Martial arts in general is very physical. Jiu-Jitsu is the most full contact martial art.
Pastor Plek:Right.
Caolinn:There is no way I'm letting you touch me here. Right.
Pastor Plek:You're we grappling and then like partner, yeah.
Caolinn:Precisely. So I told him no. I didn't say anything else. I didn't even say no. I just said he gets very angry.
Pastor Plek:And this guy is of no relation, right?
Caolinn:Say that again.
Pastor Plek:This guy's of no relation to you.
Caolinn:Like he just familiar, like uh family blood?
Pastor Plek:Yeah, no, okay, and but he but did you know him growing up or how he was a coworker, got it.
Caolinn:That's it. He was a coworker, um, and he was very, very angry by this. So he went to my parental units. They were everybody was pretty involved in this gym. So everybody knows each other. So he goes to them and he's talking smack about me. Hey, she did this disrespectful, how dare she? Blah, blah, blah. He got to them before I did, right? Before I was able to tell them about the butt grabbing. And so they come to me and they ask me, Hey, what happens? What's going on here? And I tell them, hey, this is what happened. And they got very angry at me because victim blaming. Right. Because he was black or is black. He's a black man. And so they're very angry. How are we supposed to handle this? He's a black man. People are gonna think we're racist, he's gonna come shoot us because he's black.
Pastor Plek:That's racist.
Caolinn:Thank you. Yes, it's extremely racist. So they they're very angry. How are we supposed to handle this? Are you even sure, like questioning me, questioning, questioning me until I'm questioning myself? Like, I maybe, yes, I I was, you know, scared, confused, all the things that you can imagine. And I'm sure there are so many people and you know, young women in particular that can relate to that. And so it came to a point after this long argument and blaming, and you better be 100% sure because if you're not, then we're all gonna get, you know, all of these whatever whatever the words are you were using, like, man.
Pastor Plek:It's so weird to worry so much about yourself when your daughter just got right.
Caolinn:It's the weirdest thing ever. And so who cares?
Pastor Plek:Just leave. Right. Like I we care more about you than some whatever. Right. Anyway.
Caolinn:So my parents' demeanor changes very quickly. And he's like, you know what? I'm your father. I don't want you to feel like I don't take care of you, like I don't protect you. So I will talk to him and make sure that this doesn't happen. Again. But I think that you should apologize to him because you made him very upset. And she's standing next to him. She's like, Yes, that's a good idea. You're gonna apologize to him. I was very taken aback and I said, I'm not apologizing to him. But if you're gonna talk to him, I want to be there because I want to make sure that we understand what happened here. And they both say, No, no, no, you can't be there. That's inappropriate. Oh, cool. Is it more inappropriate than grabbing a minor's butt? Tell me that. No, you can't be there, but you need to apologize to him. End of story. I never apologized to him. And uh they never talked to him, nothing ever changed. And we continued being coworkers, and I kept him this far away for the rest of his time there until eventually he got fired for something else. And I was like, okay, great, all's good now. Everything's fine. We're great. Um there had been during that period of time when he had been working there, right before he got fired, he got into an argument with my father and uh he yelled at him and said some apparently something mean. But he gets fired. And I want to see it, it was it was either a few days after a few days after, or a week or after or so. Um, I did have a phone at this time, and I got a text message from my father, who's in the same house as me, and it's a screenshot of of his text messages to this other man, and it's an apology. Hey, blank, I'm so sorry that I got angry at you. I wish you the best. And you just sent it to me at 10 o'clock at night for no alleged reason.
Pastor Plek:So it it was your uh parental unit sending that to he texted him and said he was sorry to him and screenshot it and sent it to me.
Caolinn:Got it and I'm thinking, okay, fine. Thank you. That's a big middle finger to my face. That's just making it very clear where you stand, whose side you're on. You just want to make sure I understand that. Cool, I got it. At least it's over until six months later he shows up again and he gets welcomed into the house, open arms, hugging everything, loving on him in my space. And that was the day that I was like, okay, we're done. There's no I at that point I had already been considering just moving away, but not cutting them off. I was, I had my whole plan in my head of like, okay, I'm gonna move away. I'm not gonna not tell them. I'm gonna have a conversation with them in a public place and I'm gonna say, hey, for these reasons, I can't live here with you anymore.
Pastor Plek:But that night, um old were you about that? Like we're talking about 15, 16?
Caolinn:No, at that time I was older. I was closer to an adult. Yeah, closer to an adult age at that time. Um and I thankfully I actually was working that night. So I left and I didn't come home until really late, which I was is not normal for me. I never went out, I never partied, I never did anything. I just stayed out really late because I was super upset. Um, and when I got home, they're sitting there waiting up for me, and they're like, Hey, why didn't you tell us you were you were leaving, like you're going to work? And I said, Oh, well, you were busy with that gentleman. Oh, but no, we weren't. You should have come in and said hi. And I was like, No, I was busy. Are you okay? You seem like something's wrong. And I said, you know what? I'm good. I'm gonna go to bed. And that night I decided I said to myself, you know what, you do not deserve to know when I am leaving. You don't deserve to know anything about my life from this point forward. And within a period of time after that, with the help of uh some female friends from jujitsu, there were two women who helped me a lot. Um, one of them kept my stuff for me. I would just bring her things in grocery bags little by little. I I left with one suitcase and a little backpack. And I just brought things to her slowly over the course over a really long course of time, just little by little. So nobody notices anything's missing. Just literally like my favorite jeans, my favorite shirt, things that I can't, you know. So like this time you're like 18, 19, or yeah, an adult at this time, a legal adult at this time. A legal adult at this time. Um and so one day it was just a normal day to them, but for me, it was a day that I had been planning for a really long time. And I got up and I was supposed to go to work. I had quit, I had my boss already knew that I was quitting um my job at that time. So I was supposed to go to work and I got dressed like normal. I had a bag that was a backpack, but it was like a stylish backpack. So I just put some last minute things in there, like a toothbrush, a little bit of money, and uh, I think my makeup. I remember my makeup because I was so it was in a metal box and I was worried it was gonna make a lot of noise when I was walking down the stairs. And I put on like a black skirt, a black shirt, and then I put on a big heavy black shawl because it was I worked at a like a fancy steakhouse, so I kind of had to wear like professional stuff.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Caolinn:And so I was like totally covered head to toe in black, really loose baggy clothing. And as I was walking out, the last thing that the last conversation eye to eye or words exchange in general with my dad, I had was he looked at me and he's like, Oh, you look pretty, Caitlin. And I said, Thanks. And I kept walking down the stairs. And my siblings are sitting at the table and just kind of scattered around. And my mom was sitting there, and she ironically asked me, Oh, are you leaving? And I said, Yeah, I'm leaving to work. Um my siblings are sitting there.
Speaker:I never tell this part without crying as life. It's been years, but I look at each of them and I just did this. I just said I love you. Um that was it. One of them didn't notice he wasn't paying attention, so I called his name. I was like, I called his name three times, so he would see it because it's like that's been it to this day. I haven't seen him since then, but it's fine. It's fine. Anyway, we're done.
Caolinn:So I get into my car. Or well, I had a truck. It was under their name, so I had a whole plan to get uh it back to them because I wanted to make sure I didn't have anything in their name with me. So they have you know, nothing they can't say like I stole their car or whatever.
Pastor Plek:Please aren't trying to track you.
Caolinn:Yeah. Um, exactly. So I get in and I leave. Um the first place I went was um I left a a letter somewhere where I knew they would find it. Just this is why I think I wrote like 20 pages or something of this is why I'm done with you. This is why it's never gonna happen again. Why I'm never gonna talk to you again. All these things, like basically these stories that I've been telling you. Yeah, with a few other occasions in there. Um I was playing this song that now it's always it's it's a happy song. Now it's not really a happy song, but it was um I forget the bands, but it's Master of Puppets. Um do you know that song?
Pastor Plek:I do, yeah.
Caolinn:Um Master of Puppets and Pulling Your Strings, yes, okay. Stomping on your dreams. That song. I forget who it's by, but Metallica, right? Yes, Metallica. Thank you. I was gonna say ACDC, but Metallica. Um, so I'm playing that song. I leave, and then I went in the uh at this point we lived in the city. We didn't live in that uh little log cabin anymore. We lived in a city, and I took my truck to a Whole Foods and I parked it, and in the letter had left them. Um I told him, like, hey, your truck's at Whole Foods, the keys are in this place, so I'm not stealing anything from you. Um so I parked the truck and I took an Uber to the friend's house who had my things and I she wasn't there so as we we planned very well to make sure that things aren't gonna come back to her to make sure that she's and her family are safe.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Caolinn:Um, so she wasn't there. She just gave me the code to the garage. I opened the garage, I took my bags out, and I left. I took an Uber to a different friend's house who I stayed with for a long time working until I moved to California.
Pastor Plek:Long story short. So when you get to California, you've had no like um no, I don't know, real life experience. I mean, you've had real life, you've been working, but that's a fair statement. No real life experience. I mean, I don't know if you ever rented an apartment. I don't know if you've ever, you know.
Caolinn:Not at that period.
Pastor Plek:I mean, but I guess you were just, you know, functional enough as a human being that you what I mean, what did you do?
Caolinn:I was living on a wing in a prayer at that point. Uh again, the the person I was working for during that period where I was out, she helped me to have a job when I moved to San Diego, which I never ended up taking because um the friend that I was living with when she heard that I was moving out of state, she was worried about me. She's telling me, you know, you don't have any family, you don't have any friends there, you don't know anybody. Um, so she did two things to help me. The first thing that she did was she found Manny, who was living in California at the time. And she texted him and just said, Hey, I'm worried about Caolinn.
Pastor Plek:Hold on one second.
Caolinn:Yes.
Pastor Plek:Can you pause real quick? Okay, so you get to San Diego.
Caolinn:So, right. So my friends had reached out to Manny and said, Hey, I'm worried about her. Can you please just like make sure she's okay? And then she encouraged me to call him as well, which I'm sure was a very weird phone call from him for him. Hearing from, oh, hi, coworker, I haven't talked to in a really long time. Oh, this drama is happening in your life. Um that's cool.
Pastor Plek:So it was to be fair, I've had had that happen to me several times in the past year.
Caolinn:People show up all the time. People just like, hey, I've got nobody else to turn to.
Pastor Plek:Right, right. That's okay.
Caolinn:Um so I I I call him and he tells me, I was just like, Hey, what are you up to? And he tells me, I'm moving to Costa Rica in a few weeks.
Pastor Plek:And I said, So hold on, did you know him in Texas though?
Caolinn:Did you know did you we had been coworkers in Texas?
Pastor Plek:Okay, so you at least knew who he was.
Caolinn:Yeah, it's not some random guy on the internet.
Pastor Plek:So he you meet him up, you meet with him in California. He's he'd already moved there for however many Yeah, he'd been there for for a long time.
Caolinn:Um, he told me he was moving to Costa Rica in a few weeks. I said, Okay, cool. Can I go with you? I've got nothing in the US right now, and Costa Rica sounds cool. And he was like, You need a passport. That's what he asked. He said, Do you have a passport? And I said, Yeah, I have a passport. And you have a passport. That's a long, very that's a very hard story as well. Well, not a hard story, but a long story. But um, one of those other friends helped me get a passport.
Pastor Plek:Wow.
Caolinn:Yeah. And well, I can't really admit, but I had to like fake signatures. May have uh may have faked some signatures.
Pastor Plek:There may be some signatures that are not genuine on that on said passport on the original one.
Caolinn:I would never do that. Of course, that would never happen. Absolutely. So, yes. But this friend helped me to get a passport and then she held it for me.
Pastor Plek:Oh, that was really cool.
Caolinn:Yeah, so she did a lot to help me get out, and then I I got it from her once I left. Okay.
Pastor Plek:So do you speak Spanish?
Caolinn:I do.
unknown:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:From being in Costa Rica.
Caolinn:I knew a little bit before Costa Rica, but being there, I just boom.
Pastor Plek:How long were you in Costa Rica?
Caolinn:We were there for from 22, yes, to 23.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay.
Caolinn:Yeah. So not super long time ago, but 22 to 23. We were in Costa Rica. Um and yeah, so yeah, basically, I quit. I moved to San Diego, don't show up to the job that I was supposed to go to and help him sell his stuff.
Pastor Plek:And you just go to Costa Rica.
Caolinn:I know I just went to Costa Rica. Yep.
Pastor Plek:The other thing what kind of visa do you have to have? I know it sounds like we're just to have a visa.
Caolinn:Oh, you just don't as a US citizen, you don't. You just have to have a uh a returning flight. Yeah, just showing that you're planning to come back.
unknown:Huh. Yeah.
Pastor Plek:So what did you like have like a returning flight that you didn't go on?
Caolinn:No, so there is actually a website. This is a really great travel hack. Just don't tell the Costa Rican embassy.
Speaker 3:Got it.
Caolinn:There is a website, I forget the name of it, but you can search fake return fake flight tickets, and it's like $12. You put in your information, and they give you a ticket with real flight numbers, real times, everything so that they can check it. Um it's called onward travel, onwardtravel.com.
Pastor Plek:Okay.
Caolinn:And it gives you everything, proof of onward travel that you need because when you go to the airport in the United States, they will not let you on the plane until you have so did you feel like you were escaping? At that point, definitely.
Pastor Plek:You know what I mean? Like uh Yeah, I I I mean, obviously you watch movies now, but now I do. There are these things and they're showed and they're not real life, but they look real. Yeah. So, like, did it feel like you were in like uh a a movie, so to speak, where you're kind of escaping, you just you're always kind of looking over your shoulder. Are they gonna come get me?
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:That kind of thing.
Caolinn:Yeah, it it was really uh So when did you feel safe?
Pastor Plek:Is that the right word?
Caolinn:That's a I think that's a pretty good word for it. Um once I got Costa Rica was a very, very healing journey for me. It was not easy because, like, for I mean, for so many reasons. I was just, you know, now I went from you know, living with siblings to now I have my own room and I'm living in an apartment with somebody who genuinely cares about me. But at that time we we knew each other, but I mean we were co-workers still.
Pastor Plek:Kind of sounds like an arranged marriage if you're just gonna go a different way out.
Caolinn:Well, that's a that's a long that might be a long shot, but at that time we still is still we were still co-workers.
Pastor Plek:We had a two-bedroom apartment and we did you do any work uh work uh in California or like did you go to the gym and like I don't know, train people or anything? Or it was like, hey, I'm here, I'm going to Costa Rica. So if you want to come, come on.
Caolinn:It was more like that. We had there was a time I was in San Diego for almost a month, roughly. Okay. I I forget what the exact timeline was. I was there for a while, so I had most of it was right. I didn't work like and make money while I was there because we were I was helping Manny kind of like sell things and get ready to move. Um, but I had the opportunity to go train. I got to train with um some famous people in San Diego. Uh Jocko Willink is down there, he's really cool. I met him while I was there. I know his daughter, his daughter and I uh we trained uh last Christmas when I was in San Diego again. She's very cool. The family's very cool.
Pastor Plek:All right, what was that like?
Caolinn:He was really nice. He was in a rush to leave, but he stopped and talked to me because I wanted to ask him about his book. And he was a cool guy. The thing about him that surprised me the most is he's very short.
Pastor Plek:Yeah.
Caolinn:Like, I didn't know that. When he came out, I mean, his face is kind of like iconic, like a brick. So obviously I recognize him. But when he came next to me, I was like, I know. I was like, that's a lot of for such a well, you know, that'll make up for it.
Pastor Plek:Anyway, so go on. So, like, uh, all right, so he so you got to train with Jocko, which is wild. Yes. Um, and then you head to Costa Rica and you start a business. Like, how I mean, I know this like you just been living in a log cabin.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:And now you're in California, now you're in Costa Rica, and you're probably looking for a little efficiency apartment of some sort to kind of figure it out, right?
Caolinn:We the the great thing is even though we moved there, it was technically high season where it's like every tourists are coming in there, so things are more expensive. Um, our apartment was $800 a month, which is really nice. It was a we had a it was a whole second floor we had to ourselves, two bedrooms, kitchen, and we had a really beautiful patio overlooking the jungle, which is where we ended up having our martial arts school.
Pastor Plek:In the jungle?
Caolinn:In the jungle. It was really cool. It was really cool.
Pastor Plek:Is there any part of you that wants to go back to the jungle?
Caolinn:That's such a good question. Manny is a uh non-jungle person? No, he he's he is a non-jungle person, like he does not like bugs, he doesn't like dirt, he doesn't like camping, but he's in love with Costa Rica. It has a hundred percent and he always talks about it constantly, and we plan to go retire there. Um I'm hoping in the future that well, not hoping, planning and working towards having a property down there so that we can go there more. And I mean, yeah, money's nice, but really just so that we can go there a lot more, which would be great. So okay.
Pastor Plek:So you're in Costa Rica, you're starting a ninja training thing.
Caolinn:Right.
Pastor Plek:Then you decide to go back to the States, right?
Caolinn:So we got to a point where Costa Rica is very seasonal, so it's high season, low season. High season, there are tourists, low season, there's nothing but rain and hippies smoking weed on the beach.
Pastor Plek:Of course.
Caolinn:Yeah. So the majority of people, especially in the town we were living in, were expats. So they were coming and working remotely during nice season. Yeah. And once it started to rain, they would go back to their countries. Right. And make a lot of money because Costa Rica, it's hard to make a lot of money working remotely.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Caolinn:And then they come back and do it again. So once everybody kind of left, all the businesses were shutting down, like restaurants are shutting down, all the things that are bringing people out were shutting down. And we dropped our prices dramatically to be able to meet local needs, but it was not enough. Like we were charging $20 per class, which was very cheap for the area when we had tourists in town. But there would be hippies on the beach that are like, hey, I'll hold pads for you anytime of day, whatever, and I'll give you weed afterwards. And it's 2,000 colones, which is $4, and there's no structure, and you can just call me anytime you want. So it was a very weird type of competition to have where you're competing with nothing. Yeah. But tourists are going to Costa Rica ready to be like cool, hang back, chill, lifestyle, and they're kind of getting sucked in. It's really a scam, but they're getting sucked into these people who don't know martial arts and are just showing off, and they get you high first so that it looks like you're cool, but you're really not. Um, so it it was hard on the business, especially once we hit like that's tough to break into.
Pastor Plek:Okay. So you're yeah, it's not working.
Caolinn:Right.
Pastor Plek:And you're like, let's get out of here.
Caolinn:Exactly. So the question next was, okay, where do we go? Because Texas at the time, off the table, too much drama, and nothing at the time for us. Texas didn't have anything. We really considered going back to California. We had a flight booked to go back to California. We ended up in Florida.
Pastor Plek:That makes sense. California, Florida, same thing.
Caolinn:Right. Except for the weather. The weather in Florida has its moments where it's beautiful, like winter's 70 degrees, but for the sunshine state, it rains so much. And it's really bad rain. It is. So you get really bad tropical rain. It makes it super hard to things. But Florida was great. Um, during a period right after I had left, one of my friends helped me find a stalker website to find my grandmother. A stalker website.
Pastor Plek:Like a stalker website, like I'm gonna go stalk somebody.
Caolinn:So I hadn't I had been disconnected from my grandmother for a long time. I hadn't seen her for a really, really long time. We were not allowed to talk to her. She was totally cut off because um she disagreed with the parenting methods, things that were happening in the house. So gone. Right. The the story was she's a practicing witch that will kidnap you. Yeah. And um, I found her on this stalker website. And again, another weird text message. I was like, hey, is this so and so? Yes. Hi, this is your granddaughter. I don't even know what her reaction was at that time at that time. She told me later that she was in the hospital really sick and just I'm sure it was a lot to handle. Um, but we reconnected, thankfully, through that interaction. And she comes to Florida a lot because her dad, my great-grandfather, lives there. So it was kind of the only place where we had family around.
Pastor Plek:So you got how what was a reunification like with her?
Caolinn:It was very special. We actually didn't get to see her until we came back from Costa Rica. And we went to meet her in this it'sy bitsy teeny tiny town in Texas because we flew into Texas. Um, Houston flights from Costa Rica to Houston are super cheap and direct, so they're fast.
Pastor Plek:Was that make you nervous being at oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Caolinn:I was really nervous.
Pastor Plek:You're like, I was like, Head on a swivel, baby.
Caolinn:I was literally like this the whole time. Oh put my hood on, I'm like not talking to anybody, I'm not looking at anybody. Many likes to go, he's he's ready to pick a fight. He's like, anybody who comes, I'm ready for you. Like, I'm gonna see you, I'm gonna take pictures, say, hey, who's gonna mess with me? So it was funny, but um we bought a car in Texas, and before we went to Florida, we went down to the coast to see her. And we met up in this little Tex-Mex restaurant in this. I mean, I thought I grew up in the middle of nowhere. Hers town where she used to live was more civilized.
Pastor Plek:Not civilized, but uh more the Indians who come out from like the bush and like shoot arrows at you.
Caolinn:That was like where I grew up. Where she grew up, it was lots of rednecks. Okay, or not where she grew up, where she lived was lots of rednecks, really cool, lovely people, retirement town on the coast. So you get the Gulf uh coming in, yeah, right. So it was it was a cool town, it was very quiet, all retirees, so lots of you know, seniors. Yeah, it was a cool little place. Yeah, good vibe. Yeah, it was fun, and then I got to reconnect with my uncle. He came uh, I guess down he was coming from north, so he came south to see me there too. And that was our first reunion, and then we got to reconnect more later when she came to Florida, once we were already there. Because like I said, she comes that she came there a lot to visit.
Pastor Plek:Okay, so you've got this you reestablished family. Is she like your secret safe with me?
Caolinn:Mm-hmm.
Pastor Plek:Um, and your parental units had talked to her anyway.
Caolinn:So, like no, she was cut off.
Pastor Plek:Yeah. Okay, so then you're in Florida.
Caolinn:Yep.
Pastor Plek:Then you're like, do you open up a martial arts studio or something?
Caolinn:So I started managing working out and then managing a little family-owned martial arts school in Cooper City. Manny started his thing in a UFC gym there, which ended up being a really great experience for him as well, just to have the freedom to teach adults, which I know we both valued that because he got to run classes the way he wanted to with a big group of people, right? So that was a really cool experience. While we were there, we got to learn a lot, not only about teaching, but about jujitsu because uh we got to train with Wagner Rocha and Cyborg, who are big names in jujitsu. It was a great, very awesome community that they have down there. So it's a it's a lovely place. I made literally some of my best friends at that gym who are probably when I open my phone right now, there's text from them. Yeah, yeah.
Pastor Plek:But so, like when when why leave Florida?
Caolinn:So it was a two-part thing. The first part was we were still really dedicated about opening the business. We wanted what is now maca martial arts to exist. In Florida, it was really difficult because we have these good friends of ours who are big names, right? But Florida's a big state. There was a ton of competition similar to what was happening on the beach in Costa Rica, where it's every single corner, it's karate, taekwondo, jeekundo, Zumba, everybody something. Because, you know, Miami, Florida, South Florida is a pit bull song. It is parties, it's women, good. That's what it is. That's what it is. So everybody wants to work out to be super good looking. So it was a lot of competition in Florida. And while we really loved our jiu-jitsu community and being close to family, the rest of the culture just kind of didn't fit our vibe. We missed a lot of the Southern charm that we had in Texas and California. So for our whole time in Florida, we had on our refrigerator Texas pros and cons, California pros and cons. And we would just add to the list constantly. And there were so many nights when I would come home and Manny would be sitting on the couch and he would just be like, Man, I wish I just had my own place. Because what he had in UFC was like his spot, but it's inside a commercial gym. So it's daddy Yankee blaring and people doing their thing and you know, people walking with shoes on the mat, which is a big no-no.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Caolinn:So he talked about it all the time. And he was both of us, we were just so we spent so many nights dreaming about thank God what we have right now. So when we decided to move, we were originally just going to stop in Austin because a lot of people had recommended it to us, telling us, hey, it's a really great place, growing community, all these things. And we were just gonna stop here and check it out on our way to California, just to say we did our due diligence looking for a spot, and we ended up with a super great place that's right down there five minutes away.
Pastor Plek:Yeah.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:Okay, so here you are now.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:Um, and you're with Manning. You're building your life together.
Caolinn:Right.
Pastor Plek:Do you ever miss the parentals?
Caolinn:No.
Pastor Plek:Do you ever miss like obviously you miss your siblings? Right. So, but like, is there a part of like, how do you not do you rethink that? Do you go back in your head going, like, should I have left then? Or that was exactly the right thing? Like, give me your thought process. Like, looking back, are you ever like, you know, maybe I should have taken one of them with me? I don't, you know, is there any part of that's like, do you have any survivor's guilt? You know, you know what I'm talking about?
Caolinn:Right. The survivor's guilt is definitely real. Um, and I'll speak more to that in a second. As far as the parentals go, I have never doubted that what I did was the right thing. Even when I was sad from the loss of the life that I had, which really wasn't all that great. I mean, not to be like ungrateful because it was they were they're very, very, very affluent.
Pastor Plek:Like they're very what?
Caolinn:Affluent, like, you know, for days. And they reminded me of that a lot after uh I left through email saying, hey, I made a hundred thousand dollars just this month. Don't you wish you were a part of this? Well, if they knew anything about me. Your how many dollar songs come after your name means zero. Doesn't mean anything to me. Um, there have been times where I miss the idea of a parent to, you know, rely on, ask for for advice, but them personally no. Okay. And that missing of a parent, that feeling was always there, even when I lived with them. Right. And then for the survivor's guilt, um, I struggled with that for a really long time. Just in the last few months, honestly, I felt more relief from it because I did what I could do. I called CPS, I tried to get them involved. CPS, the at least the one agent we got was an absolute joke. Um, and she did nothing to help. I did what I could. I know that I. I did everything that I could and just in the last few months, some of them who are now legal adults have reached out and said, Hey, we don't want anything to do with you unless you want something to do with people.
Pastor Plek:Until you uh want something to do with Right.
Caolinn:With them. So we don't want anything to do with you until we want something to do with them. We're on their side, they're good.
unknown:Okay.
Pastor Plek:It's hard.
Caolinn:It is, but in some way it's almost relieving because now I know for for all of these years I have worried are you okay? Are you happy? Are you getting beat up like the way we used to be when I'm not there to help you? Because when I was there, I was the one who helped you. I was the one who gave you Tylenol, who gave you ice, who made a story to help protect you from them. I was the one who came and took pictures when the male parental unit yanked you out of the shower and beat you across the face when you were naked because your puppy peed on the floor. Right? I was the person who did that. So for a long time it was a struggle of who's doing that for you now. And the fact that like some of them have come out and been like, we don't need you. It is in some way a relief. Okay. So you're good. Whatever manipulative lie you've created into your head or they've created in your head that you now believe that makes you think you're cool, okay. At least I know that I did everything I can in my power. And that's hard though. It's a very weird place to be. It's very weird.
Pastor Plek:Okay, so all right. So let's go back now. Obviously, I'm a pastor, so I always have to ask this question.
Caolinn:Right.
Pastor Plek:So where do we go with God here? Like, like so, parents, their role is to be a proxy for God. Like they are standing in for God, they're bigger, they're taller, they're like giants, yeah. Um, they're smarter, they've got money. Yeah. Um, and so what happens in general, if you have a good relationship with your parents and they're Christian and all that, you have a good relationship with God because it's like an easy transition.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:For you, like, you know, and you also have a there's a layer of Catholic stuff on top of which I won't even get into this moment, but like for for you, like where are you at with God?
Caolinn:Like when you talk about when you think about God, like what comes to mind for a long time it was a struggle because the God that I grew up with says if you wear a skirt above your knees, a man looks at you and thinks, wow, she's hot. I go to hell for that because I made you sin. And that's on me.
Pastor Plek:Oh, oh, got it. So you go to hell because you made him sin.
Caolinn:Exactly.
Pastor Plek:Got it.
Caolinn:It's not the man's fault because that is his nothing he can do. There's nothing, it's boys being boys, right? Oh, wow. So it's on there's it's on the shoulders of women to not let men sin. So that was the God that I grew up with, the God that said it's okay for parents to treat their kids this way. It's okay for men to touch women inappropriately, as long as the boss of the house says it's okay. So it was a really screwed up view of what God is that I grew up with.
Pastor Plek:Right.
Caolinn:And it took me a really long time to figure out like to clear the smoke and mirrors. And a big part of that for me was realizing I really could have screwed up my life really bad in so many different ways. When I left, I could have made bad decisions about where I went. I could have made bad decisions staying there. I mean, there were periods when I was living there where I was who's to say that Manny couldn't have been a crazy person, like 100%.
Pastor Plek:Yeah, like that sheer grace of God.
Caolinn:Absolutely, divine intervention.
Pastor Plek:Like, wow.
Caolinn:Anyway, yeah, absolutely. And there were other instances in my life where I was now, I can say, wow, that was a huge God thing. That was a major God thing. Um, where I there were times when I was really depressed, really suicidal, and I would I I put a time limit on it one night. I was really, really depressed. I really wanted to like end it. And I was wrestling with it in my head, and I was like, okay, if something doesn't change in the next two weeks, that's it. If something significant enough changes that shows me I need to stick around, okay. And at the time I didn't really realize what that big change was. But the big change was Manny came back into my life. And he had we had been coworkers, but he hadn't been around for a long time. And he came back into my life, and suddenly I had a friend again who asked me questions that some people didn't ask me. Like one day he just looked at me and he's like, Hey, are you okay? And I kind of lost it. And I was just like, No, I'm not, I'm not okay for so many different reasons. And I didn't really tell him a lot of what was going on because I couldn't. But I had it was very comforting to know that okay, there's somebody right now who's like watching me and sees that something's not right, and that in itself was a blessing to have somebody who was paying attention, and now I see that was a God thing.
Pastor Plek:So, so yeah, so uh, this is where now this part where I'm gonna be dogmatic a little bit.
Caolinn:Okay.
Pastor Plek:Like God loves you. And the whole thing about Jesus, well okay, sorry, sorry. If if there's one thing, you know, there is a demonic realm. Right. I don't know if there's demons in your house, could have been, I'm not gonna say if it was one. However, if there's one thing Satan could do is screw up the relationship between a father and a kid, because over and over, Jesus calls God father, father, father, father, father, father. In fact, like if you go down the street to like the gay church down the street, they've taken father out of the book because everyone has they literally have been so screwed up by bad dads, yeah, they're like that word has a connotation to them that is that is wicked in a sense. And so I don't want to have any of that baggage when I look up to God. But what God is is even though a father is supposed to be a proxy, a stand-in for God, up until the point where you can kind of understand him for yourself, and there's a great way to introduce children to God, if if that's messed up, it makes it way difficult, but not impossible because God is ultimately a father who loves and protects and guides and draws you to himself.
Speaker 3:Right.
Pastor Plek:And so my hope would be through all this, you would see that the stories of the Bible that you probably know pretty well, that Jesus came and he died on the cross for your sins, and then he rose from the dead. And our freedom that we have in Jesus is exponentially amazing, and that there is great joy and there is great life and there is great hope. And so, my heart for you is that through all the people you've been interacting with, um that that God would reveal Himself to you in a gentle uh way that you could hear, see, and then respond to. And so um, because you know the story about Jesus. Of course. So when have you like, and this is the like, have you do you believe Jesus? Are you like, I don't know where I'm at with Jesus? Are you are you at like a place of like, you know, I'm still like kicking the tires on spirituality? Like, where where are you at?
Caolinn:Uh right now, God and I are really good. We're in a better spot than we've been in a really long time.
Speaker 3:Fair enough. Fair enough.
Caolinn:So it's cool. It's it feels really good to be in that place again. Um I got I got irritated this morning. I have a morning job and somebody left these three like Bible verse big bookmarks on the table. And I was like, wow, these are really cool. And I put one in my purse to keep for myself, one that I thought was really cool.
Pastor Plek:So are you like a waitress or something?
Caolinn:Or what no, no, I manage a restaurant.
Pastor Plek:You manage restaurants bakery. Okay, you manage bakery, but like somebody left Bible verses intentionally or like unintentionally, or I assume it was intentionally. I mean, just but so so you pick it up. Yeah, and it was sort of encouraging.
Caolinn:Yeah, and I liked them and I I have them in my purse right now because I one of my coworkers is religious, and I kept one for myself and I gave one to her, and I was like, hey, these are cool. I thought you would like them. She's religious. Yeah, yeah, really religious. And she got irritated at me, and she like pushed my hand away and was like, No, no, no. And I thought, you know what, girl, you don't deserve them. You don't deserve them. So I brought them. I was like, you know what? Pastor Pleck will like this.
Pastor Plek:I would love them. Look at these Bible verses. I'm really excited about hearing what these Bible verses are because listen, there's been a many a time where uh people have like, you know, like you've thought as a as a pastor, you know, you have something like that, and you're like, does anybody actually look at this?
Caolinn:Uh-huh.
Pastor Plek:All right, so what do you got?
Caolinn:Okay, so which was this is cool.
Pastor Plek:Oh, those are like bookmarks.
Caolinn:Yeah, it is like a little bookmark. They're really cool. Like, we're like oh, I love it.
Pastor Plek:I'll do it all for the glory of God with God, all things are possible, love your enemies. I love it. Okay, this is this is all really cool things.
Caolinn:Maybe it's because I gave her the one that said love your enemies, and she took it personally.
Pastor Plek:She's like, screw.
Caolinn:Yeah, maybe it's fine. I was like, I like this one with God, all things are possible. I like that. And then I don't know, maybe she's like loving enemy. I'm loving on you, enemy.
Pastor Plek:But oh, okay, yeah. Okay, so all right, so that's okay.
Caolinn:I brought him and I was like, someone somebody left that.
Pastor Plek:You got it, you got encouraged by that. All right, so what about church? Like this, like do you being in this building, does it freak you out a little bit, or is it just it looks enough like a bar that it's okay?
Caolinn:Bars freak me out more. I don't like bars. Okay. I don't go to bars. I don't like bars. Um, no, this is fine. This is cool. I have found I get along really well. This is non-denominational church, right? I get along really well with people that are in non-denominational Christianity or non-denominational churches because it's like this. It's the kind of they they teach the same idea of God that has brought a lot of healing for me, where it's not God is standing with a AK-47 ready to blow your head off when you sin. It's, you know, God is loving Father.
Pastor Plek:You know, I'm actually that's why I'm talking about this Sunday.
Caolinn:Really?
Pastor Plek:God, so because it's about discipline. Yeah. Uh like the it's Hebrews 12, and it talks about, you know, you were disciplined by your father as he thought best. And I'm gonna be like, some of you were not disciplined really well. Uh and so now there's a there's a skew because you've been um jaded. Jaded? Yeah. So your view of God of like loving father who disciplines, and so anytime you look up at God, you think he's punishing you for something, right? As opposed to God who when I when I discipline my kids, it's like I love you too much to let you disobey. And so any sort of discipline, whether it's they're running a lap or doing a wall sit, or you know, even a spank sometimes, like there's there that doesn't come from a um I'm I hate you, or I'm I'm I'm not angry, but we need to assess this because I love you too much to for you to kind of be disobedient or you know, punch your kid, punch your brother, pull a knife, you know, all the things that happen. Did that happen at your house? Did you guys pull knives on each other? No, okay, yeah, that's just my might be at my house. All right, so we're all girls. Oh, that's true. Yeah, we have I have all boys, and so it's like every day I come home, it's a dog pile. Uh, every day I come home and someone's upset because somebody hit somebody. Anyway, so we have to, you know, manage the chaos. And um, so we do a lot of discipline. I love you too much. I don't when you hit your brother like that. I I I have to bring justice to the situation. But daddy loves you so much that I want you to see how how it hurts daddy when you hurt him. Right. It hurts me when you hurt because I anyway, so I get you get into all that. All that to say is I think that's what happens if you've had a dad that's abusive sexually, physically, verbally, not that any of that was specific to you, but if you've had a dad like that, right, there's a tendency for God is very angry, yeah, very uh just ready to bring down judgment on you. And so everything that happens is God punishing me. Um or on the flip side, if you had like um an overly doting father, okay, where then it's everybody else's fault, and there's demons everywhere. I'm not saying that might have, I don't know.
Caolinn:No, I hear what you're saying.
Pastor Plek:But it's like but there's like if there's always someone else to blame for all the issues you have. Yeah. Okay. So I guess what I my hope is, and I would love this is why this is the big invite. I'd love for you, Manny, you and Manny to come, is that you would see that God loves you, that He has been present in even the suffering of the sadness of seeing people you love, you know, disappear out of your life.
Caolinn:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:Um, and that more than anything, God wants a relationship with you that's personal. And and what I what I love about what you said is when when Manny asked you, like, are you okay? So there's this moment in prayer where you just come before the Lord, and the more you get alone with God, the more you can hear him like speak like, I love you, I'm proud of you, uh, you're mine. And that thought of like, are you okay? of like where you have a conversation with God, that's what prayer is.
Speaker 3:Right.
Pastor Plek:But then in reading God's word, his constant like connection with you, this constant pursuit of you as a perfect father, yeah, would love his kid. And so, um, anyway, I my heart for you is is that you would experience that sort of joy, yeah, and that the whole your whole story at you know, one day would be redeemed. Uh, all the darkness you've experienced. What what one Bible verse my kids are memorizing is uh Genesis 15, 50, 20. As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today. Yeah, and that verse is powerful because when you experience pain, it's sometimes is this God punishing me or is this God preparing me? Yeah, is this God punishing me or is this God protecting me? Right. Is this what is God doing in and through my life that I need to experience right now? Anyway, all that to say, I would love for you. Um, I just I'm encouraged somebody even gave that to you today.
Caolinn:That yeah, I it worked. It was again, I I felt like it was a God thing today.
Pastor Plek:That is a god thing. It is. I I do I definitely and so that my hope for you is that you would start to to lean into him because I think your story isn't finished, you know, like it doesn't feel sensitive. We've just got you know, you're 25. You just got to this place where you're you're you're you're living your life and you're doing something really special with uh martial arts and really probably making people's lives really awesome. And and I'm really encouraged by that. And so my hope for you is that um the greatest gift I could ever give you is like the to know the savior that I know, for you to experience him like I experience him, um, would just be super joyful. And um yeah, just like anything, it's a relationship that's really powerful. Yeah, all that. Yeah, so man, thanks for being here.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Pastor Plek:Yeah, what other things you want to share? Is there anything else like you're like, I forgot to say this thing?
Caolinn:Um, I like how other Christians pray in the words that they use, yeah, and in the body language. As a martial artist, body language is so important to me. So I love the body language of like openness, right? This was not allowed, right? This is only acceptable, right? This is very funny. I'm sure other people think this is funny too. If you pray like this, which was my preferred method of praying, just because I felt like this is sissy, honestly. No offense to anybody. This just didn't feel right to me.
Pastor Plek:My emoji I use a lot.
Caolinn:Because there's no this emoji, which is funny because this is really bad in jujitsu, but whatever. This is was always how I prayed. But uh, I had a priest tell me one time, don't pray like this because your fingers are making your prayers go to the devil. So you're accidentally praying to the devil and asking the devil for things when you pray. So you can only do this so because otherwise the signal, like the signal goes through your fingers, so God gets it, right? So we got to make sure that like holy cow, like that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Pastor Plek:Like, I wanna I want to bless you with me saying that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Caolinn:Um I feel like people would appreciate that.
Pastor Plek:There's that is so dumb. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, I'm so sorry. I feel like there's so much religious baggage that I all I want you to do is just experience Jesus and love and grace and mercy and peep and the Christian people of God who want to love you and then encourage you to follow Him and read God's word and to know Him deeply specifically. Um man.
Speaker:Yeah.
Pastor Plek:Crazy. Can I pray for you? Of course, please. God, thank you so much for Caitlin. I I just man, when I hear her story, I am so uh just amazed that you've brought her here. And so, God, I'm praying for your grace to move on her and Manny. I pray for your love and mercy to open up her heart fully, that you would reveal yourself to her. Lord, you said in your word, like as a father, like what father doesn't know how to give good gifts to his kids. If they ask him for bread, you give them bread, you don't give them a snake or scorpion or a rock. And so, Lord, I just pray as uh Caolinn asks for you to reveal yourself to her, that you give her your Holy Spirit, that she'd feel so much love, so much grace, so much filled up with your power. She understands what Jesus did on the cross for her to rescue her from her sin, to rescue her from a broken world. Lord, we thank you for that. Lord, I pray your grace would fall on uh Manny and Caolinn, and they would be blessed as they seek you as a one true God. We love you, Lord. It's in Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Man.
Caolinn:Good stuff.
Pastor Plek:Hey guys, thanks so much for watching. Uh, if you want to text in, we can we I don't mind bringing Caolinn back. We can bring her back. Just text in at 737 231 0605. Love to hear from you. Uh, but from our house to yours. Have an awesome week. Go back.